Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under construction.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
A bean has more DNA per cell than a human cell. 
A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent. 
A broken clock is right at least twice a day. 
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water. 
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 
A cat has 4 rows of whiskers and they're used to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. 
A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. 
A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months. 
A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip. 
A full moon is nine times brighter than a half moon. 
A full-grown pumpkin has about 15 miles of roots. 
A group of crows is called a murder.
A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. 
A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour. 
A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated. 
A jumbo jet uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off. 
A man and woman in Mexico city were engaged for 67 yrs and finally married at the age of 82 yrs. 
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years. 
 A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 
A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day. 
A pig is the only animal than can get sunburned. 
A pound of grasshoppers is three times as nutritious as a pound of beef.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
A scientist who weighed people immediately before and after death concluded that the human soul weighs 21 gms. 
A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. 
A study of pet owners found that 66% claimed they allowed their pets to remain in the bedroom during intercourse. 
A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.